


Bleed-Through

by SuperKat



Category: Machineries of Empire Series - Yoon Ha Lee
Genre: Gen, Yuletide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-15 05:15:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16927179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperKat/pseuds/SuperKat
Summary: Visual hallucinations were not supposed to be part of this process; at least, neither Jedao nor the manual had said anything about them.  Yet here she was, staring at a string of numbers she had just written that had suddenly transformed themselves into meaningless scribbles.





	Bleed-Through

**Author's Note:**

  * For [segfault](https://archiveofourown.org/users/segfault/gifts).



Cheris spent the first half of the evening doing basic computations around potential formation effects involving two Cindermoths.She wrote them out the old-fashioned way, stylus on an outdated tablet, not because they needed to be done by hand but because the busywork helped calm her nerves.It was nice to focus on something that, in this case, actually _was_ nothing more than a spread of numbers.Jedao had been silent since she started, and Cheris tried not to let herself wonder whether he was watching her or occupying his attention with something else.

Frowning, Cheris glanced over the line she had just written. Something was off. She couldn’t place what it was, but something in the equation was incorrect.Cheris closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. She couldn’t be tired; she’d spent longer stretches than this doing calculations that made these look like grammar school arithmetic.Shaking her head and blinking, Cheris returned to her work.

The numbers…didn’t look like numbers.They didn’t look like anything she'd ever seen before. She recognized all of the symbols and variables, which gave her the strange impression of looking at a partially translated line of hieroglyphs from a low language long since dead.

Cheris's heart pounded.She wondered for a moment if she was hallucinating. Visual hallucinations were not supposed to be part of this process; at least, neither Jedao nor the manual had said anything about them.Yet here she was, staring at a string of numbers she had just written that had suddenly transformed themselves into meaningless scribbles. 

She checked her augment for the date and time.Even though she all but heard the numbers - in Jedao’s drawl, which was ignorable by this point but still unnerving - they held as much meaning for her as Machine Universal did for most officers.She did not know how long she had been in her quarters, how much time she had before she was due in the command center. 

Feeling her chest start to constrict, Cheris drew in a slow breath and started to recite the Esfarel sequence in a near-silent whisper. The numbers came easily, but with a terrifying sense of detachment, as if her mouth and tongue were forming the words on their own.After a few moments she just…stopped.She didn’t know which number she had just said, which came next, how to do the computations that had come as naturally as formation instinct for most of her life.

“Breathe, Cheris.”

Cheris almost swore; the General’s attention the last thing she wanted right now.  A moment later, it hit her.

“This is you, isn’t it?” she asked waving her hand over the tablet. 

“I’m afraid so.It should pass in a moment.”

Cheris closed her eyes again, drawing in another long breath.Perhaps this moment of weakness was the opposite of what she should be letting Jedao see.Yet she had no idea how anyone could expect her to maintain constant vigilance over her body language without going full Fledge-Null. 

She opened her eyes and checked her calculations again. 

There.The second coefficient in the bottom line was completely wrong. She knew the correct number, had said the correct number to herself, but she'd written something almost entirely different. Entered this way, the formula would've created an effect that would instantaneously disable 1/10th of their own fleet. 

Hands still trembling, Cheris corrected the error and checked over the equation to make sure nothing else was wrong.Then she double-checked everything else she had written, just to be sure. Even though everything was correct, Cheris put down the tablet, switched off the screen, and took in another long, slow breath.

“Sorry,” Jedao’s said. He sounded calm and matter-of-fact, not apologetic but not sarcastic either.Cheris didn’t know what to make of it.Didn’t know what to make of _him._

“I could have decimated the fleet with this,” she said without thinking. A moment too late, she wondered if she was out of line.

“You would have noticed in time,” Jedao assured her, his tone light and lofty.Cheris drew in another slow breath, forcibly relaxing the muscles in her face and torso.  She couldn't tell whether she'd made herself unreadable or even more obvious. “Anyway, there’s nothing you can do except fight the bleed-through when it happens.”Was he making this _her_ fault? “Don’t get me wrong, neither of us is responsible, but the more you become accustomed to me, the more frequently these incidents will occur.”

That…was dangerous.Dangerous enough to cost them their lives, or worse. 

“It’s not as bad as it sounds,” said Jedao, almost as though replying to her unspoken thought. “And keep practicing your facial expressions; you’ve made progress but you’re still far too readable.It doesn’t get easier as we get to know each other.”

"Not as bad as it sounds, sir?" said Cheris, pointedly ignoring him.

“It _is_ true that your skillset is unique among my anchors,” Jedao said, “At least as far as I’m aware.Usually there is a Nirai officer on hand for computations.” 

“Any suggestions for how to proceed?”

“Nothing you’ve haven't already read or been told.”

Cheris didn’t reply, instead bringing up the spread of equations on her tablet. Everything made sense again, the numbers exactly as she had written them. 

She had heard of dyscalculia, but knew very little about it. She had never met anyone who had it, at least no one who had disclosed it to her.She had been tempted to look it up after Jedao had first asked her to present her calculations in graphical form, but it felt uncomfortable with him constantly looking over her shoulder.

“Is that.”Maybe she shouldn’t ask.Too late to stop now; Jedao would have predicted her question from her expression.She gestured to the tablet.“Is that what it’s like for you?” 

“Sometimes.” said Jedao. “Especially when I was a boy.Pressure made it worse, but I learned to work around it. Basic computations and timekeeping became easier with practice, but occasionally there would be…lapses.”

_How did you do it?_ Cheris almost asked, but thought the better of it at the last second. Much to her consternation, Jedao answered her unasked question a moment later.

“I purposely selected high-raking Nirai officers when I could. ”Cheris tried and failed to stop herself from wincing, but Jedao continued as if he hadn’t noticed.“Almost all of my closest and highest officers had above average skills in computation, and it was not unusual for a general to delegate as needed.Some of them figured it out, I’m positive. My most loyal officers took to presenting information in graphical form without my having to request it.”

It was another moment before Cheris remembered the likely fate of the officers to which he was referring. Not for the first time even that day, a cold chill crept down her spine. She expected Jedao to comment on that too - maybe one day his ability to keep his expression blank would bleed through to her, but it clearly wasn’t happening tonight - but he was silent for a disconcertingly long time. 

Cheris returned to her work.She was tired of thinking about what he had done, tired of Not Asking him questions that lingered in the air between them as constantly as the eyes in her shadow.Almost defiantly, she scribbled another set of calculations onto the screen.Paused.Checked them. Checked them again.She wouldn’t have _time_ for this during battle. 

She finished the spread in almost twice the amount of time it would usually take her, then she converted the information into graphical form for Jedao to peruse at his leisure. Since he still said nothing, she had no idea if he was even looking at them. 

That was one of the worst things about being alone with him; she had no idea where he was in the room, if he existed in any kind of physical space as she knew it. He could be in front of her, staring her in the face, watching over her shoulder, on the other side of the room.She couldn’t see his face unless she tried to look at her own.It seemed a fitting metaphor for their situation, in a way. 

She checked her augment again.They were thirteen days from the Fortress.Plenty of time to learn to deal with bleed-through or let another “lapse” destroy the mission; to learn to keep her face unreadable or reveal her every secret by body language alone; to learn to read _his_ tone for once.To walk directly into whatever trap the General was setting. 

Cheris rubbed her forehead with the heel of her palm. 

“I’m going to watch a drama,” she said.Jedao didn’t reply. 


End file.
